Xbox One Roast

Congrats, everyone, you are looking at the brand new console to be released by Microsoft at the end of the year.  And yes, that's really the new Xbox One, can't you tell?

Anyway, to celebrate this glorious occasion, the game studio decided to throw a pizza party and air the conference on a projector.  Me, I was just trying to hang myself from the other room cause I knew it wasn't going to be the Dreamcast 2 so what's the point of going on???  Anyway, Xbox One...really?  What did we call the original Xbox?  Just the "Xbox."  Wait, you can't say that since you might be talking about any one of the three Xboxes.  Damn, the "first Xbox."  Well that ALMOST sounds like Xbox One cause "One" sorta equals "First."  Fine, "original Xbox."  Now that's just a mouthful and doesn't roll off the tongue at all.  Screw it, the name is the least of our worries.

Remember that rant from a long time ago?  About how games are trying to move away from gaming and more into the realm of electronic entertainment or "interactive stimulation"?  Well, the future is here ladies and gentlemen.  Games are secondary now.  I want to be able to haul my console up to my damn room just for the sake of playing games--not to watch TV, make Skype calls, update my fantasy football, or be bothered by other people in general cause those are things I can do rather easily without the need for the Xbox One.  Besides, people are the worst.  Would you really like to be FORCED to interact with other people on your game console?  Aren't we already loser nerds as it is, forced to play our games by our lonesome for hours on end?  Last thing I want is to talk to anyone, geez.

I specifically remember playing this video from a year ago at Microsoft's E3.  Oh how nothing's changed for the better.

Ah, finally, about 30 minutes into the conference, they finally mention games.  Speaking of which, I really didn't expect many games to be shown here because E3 is around the corner (though odds are that'll suck too).  But they went ahead with the same expected pre-rendered crap (they actually said "in-game footage" late in the conference, inferring everything before it was a sham) from the same games--EA Sports games, Forza 5, Call of Duty: Ghosts.  Graphics are always nice to have but I'll say this--I'll fucking lose it if these games only run at 30 FPS max.  I would rather play Xbox 360 games with 60 FPS than Xbox One games with 30 FPS.  It makes a subliminal impact on the gameplay.  I'm looking at old games like Daytona USA that run at 60 FPS and have responsive controls.  THAT GAME WAS RELEASED NINETEEN YEARS AGO!!  If we are still obsessed with graphics that bad that we need to crank up the level of detail to the point where the human eye can't notice it anymore, then fuck it, I'm done with this generation of games before they even started.

Oh, by the way, the Kinect is mandatory.  So you can do Minority Style movements to navigate the menus.  Okay, cool.  They also said the detail is now more fine-tuned than ever.  They say that "the Kinect can even recognize wrist turning" which translates to "the Kinect THINKS it can recognize wrist turning but it does such a shitty job at picking it up therefore the broken wrist turning mechanics will be shoehorned into your games, thus breaking certain aspects of the game because some fool thought that shoving the Kinect up your game's ass like a dildo was a smart idea."

Forza 5.  Okay, great graphics, the cityscape was pretty, other than that, what else is there to be expected?

Call of Duty.  Somehow,  features in video games like "feeling affection for your characters" and "character customization" are groundbreaking in the year 2013.  Oh, and lighting in the year 2013 as well.  And the dog.

EDIT: Oh, and Microsoft employees were the only one cheering.

Somehow, to suppress the fact their console is laden with a bunch of shit, they decided to announce the rest of the bad news at a tech conference proceeding the main show.  Never mind the fact that Sony's stock went up 9% at the very moment you guys unveiled the name "Xbox One"!  Here's a couple of QA questions that should alleviate maybe 2% of your concerns.  BTW, their answer to always-online is flat out deceptive--the console must be connected to the Internet at least every 24 hours to remain functional off-line.  I can see why they'd give you the 24 hour leeway in case your connection drops for a moment but still, the fact you have to sign in often is ridiculous.  EDIT: Also dawned on me, I know Microsoft has like some 3000 servers up, but what should happen if the servers (or at the ones near you) went down?  Could you even play the Xbox One anymore if that was the case??  Ya know, cause of the whole mandatory sign-in thing.  Brilliant, we've seen it before with Diablo 3 and SimCity, let's do consoles next.

Then there's no backwards compatibility.  Congratulations, Xbox One, now I have no reason to buy your console right away (assuming I felt like buying this giant VCR-shaped paper-weight) because the library of games over the last 7 years is meaningless!  And with the rate that 360's are bricking (RRoD), then it means that within a couple of years, it'll be nigh impossible to play any 360 games, awesome!!!

Also the used games debacle!  You must pay a fee for each unique console you play a game on.  No longer can you just toss your friend a copy of the game for him to borrow--he has to pay money to play it on his machine too, even if you can't play simultaneously with him.  Again, sticking fingers up the ass of the used game market.  Oh woe is me, I bought a used car, house, furniture, clothes, those are okay.  But video games aren't.  How about you stop making such shitty games and maybe I will actually buy them new instead of used.

Do the math.  Mandatory Kinect + Always Online + No Backwards Compatibility + Death of Used Games = our worst nightmares come true.  I will not be supporting the Xbox One, period.  And the fact is, I bet a lot of you people agree.  But the fact is Microsoft is still part of the console oligopoly.  How long can you hold out until you buy the Xbox One?  Look at the Xbox 360--it's debatably the most mainstream of the three console (at least in North America) because of huge library and tons of other cool features.  If the Xbox One, God forbid, starts to pick up steam after its release (and it will, Microsoft will pimp that out like they did with the Kinect), how long until you cave?  Fact is Microsoft can frankly have their way with you, you can detest it, but in the end, you'll probably give them a little more leeway, "this thing sucks but at least I can play the games I like so I'm okay," etc. etc.  Same thing with Electronic Arts and so forth--how they still continue to look good despite the fact that large swaths of the Internet hate their guts.  "Mass Effect, Battlefield, Madden...okay I'll support EA, but just this once!!!"  Whew, good thing Sonic is staying Nintendo-exclusive after all...

EDIT: Hey, here's another infograph I saw comparing the Xbox One's specs to the PS4:

Yep...stick with the PS4.

Whatever, just one more kick in the balls before I'm through.  I caught this on Kotaku out the corner of my eye.  It's the first revealed screenshot of the new Need for Speed game.

Someone tell me what's wrong here.  If you said "lack of colors" you're absolutely right.  Grey skies, dingy hues, "grungy shaders" (literally, some guy came down from Epic to lecture some artists about shades of brown).  Somehow, being colorful is "gay" while being colorless is "cool, epic, beast mode."  Well, I'd rather be gay than all those other things.  Gay as in "happy" you sick freaks.  I'm out, deuces man...DEUCES.

In case you hadn't seen it before...TV TV TV TV TV TV XBOX WATCH TV TV TV MOVIE TV EXPERIENCE MOVIE TV TV TV SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORT SPORTS TELEVISION TV TELEVISION WATER COOLER TV TV TV CALLOFDUTY CALLOFDUTY CALLOFDUTY CALLOFDUTY DOG CALLOFDUTY CALLOFDUTY DOG CALLOFDUTY